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Three more beers!

  • Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
  • To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
  • They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

  • Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
  • A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

  • "When ever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.
    I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
    Singer Mariah Carey. (reportedly a true statement -- JAD)

  • Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
  • A. None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

  • "Johnny, did your Mother help you with your home work last night?" the teacher asked.
  • "No, she did it all," he replied.

  • Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  • That's why men need instant replays in sports.
  • They've already forgotten what happened.

  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

  • That last one reminds me of the joke about Playboy.
    Special Subscription for married men.
    It's the same centrefold month after month . . .

The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am,
and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother.
Where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and for ever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night ... as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.


X-Ray Glasses

Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out,
and isn't fully convinced, but as usual the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo!
He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on.
He puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her.
He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed.

He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

Jon then says:

"Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these glasses and they're broken already!"


Permits Required

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
 In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."


Good Lord

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord, He's done it again!"


Can't Swim

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.  He noticed a guy at the same depth, but he had on no scuba gear what soever.

The diver went down another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went down another 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy again joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out his waterproof chalkboard, and wrote,

"How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'm drowning, you moron!"

WELL HOW WERE THEY ?
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Australian Slang [Aussie Talk]

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